The Bean Game.

Today is my Second Wedding Anniversary.

Traditionally, one gives cotton. :smilewinkgrin:

My Bean Game Informer asked me about my Bean Jars today, and it sparked a bit of conversation. So I thought I would revisit this old post, update you'all on where David and I are, and re-post this Blast From The Past.

This week, David finishes his job with Visa. Celebrates our Anniversary as well as his birthday, completes his preparations for his assessment trip to Haiti (PLEASE pray!!!), and then leaves on Saturday with the team. It's a very full week. So that, in a nutshell, is where we are at: trusting God, as always, to protect and provide.

So Enjoy this look back...

I am, admittedly, a bit naive at times. So I was rather taken aback, a week or so ago, when a friend of mine mentioned this game to me and I had no idea what they were talking about.

The Bean Game.

The Bean Game??? What's that???

Well, when one is first married, they get themselves a jar and some beans (dried...or, I suppose, jelly could work...), and every time the couple engages in marital relations, they drop a bean in the jar. They do this during the whole of the first year of marriage, beginning with the Wedding Night.

At the end of the year, they look at the jar and, hopefully, are satisfied. Content. A bit blushingly proud of themselves.

Now...Part Deux: Beginning on the day of their First Anniversary, each time they engage in Marital Bliss, they remove a bean from said jar. At the end of the second year of marriage, where do they stand? Have they removed All the beans? Most of the beans? Some of the beans?

In other words, the implication of The Bean Game is that The Couple judge their marital happiness on their performance in this single area. Or so the wink-wink-nod of this game would have you to believe.

Lest you think I am just an Old Woman, a bit Puritanical, or Past The Age Of Such Things, let me assure you: although David and I have been married for a scant four months, when we laughed over this idea, trying to start now with The Bean Game, we couldn't even begin to estimate the number of beans we would need to put in our jar. :blush: Such is the happiness we have found.

As I thought about The Bean Game, an idea began to form. Do we liken our relationship to God as a Bean Game? You know, when we first come to Christ, and are thoroughly besotted with Him, and all that we do (prayer and worship and fellow-shipping with like-minded Believers and ministry) is as a love-offering, do we think God (or us, perhaps???) is placing another bean in our jar?

"Faith without works is dead", said James. We comfort ourselves with our high level of engagement even as we remind ourselves that we are saved by Grace alone lest any one of us try to boast about it.

And another bean drops in our jars.

So ends the beginning year.

As the years of our journey with Him continues, and our relationship ebbs and flows, the beans are, what, removed every time we do a good work? Every time we say a prayer? feed the hungry? offer comfort to the widow? How long does it take for our jars to become empty as our works-based relationship with God loses the Grace with which we were saved?

And, at what point, do we then learn that the works come from serving Him as we serve others?

When I married Rick, at the ripe old age of 21, I am sure, had we known of The Bean Game, we would have played it with great alacrity; throwing beans in the jar with wild abandon every time we made love. I also know that jar would have been pert ne'er empty the second year. Such was the way our relationship was wired: one part love, one part competing with the jar. It took us a long time to learn about Grace, submission to the Other, and Selfless Serving. In fact, we didn't truly learn all this until it was too late; until just before Rick died.

As a Believer, and an Old Woman, I start this marriage already having learnt that marital bliss is found in giving more than I receive; and in doing that, I receive more than I give...pressed down and overflowing. Or as Juliet once said, through Old Billy-the-Bard: The more I give to Thee, the more I have; for both are infinite."

As it is in my very new marriage, so it is in my very old relationship with God. I give in miniscule amounts, He sends me a waterfall of Grace and Joy.

Cool Beans!

New Year's Confessions

In an experimental departure from the norm, I've decided to not make any New Year's Resolutions.

Nope.

None.

Nada.

Instead, I'd like to make a New Year's Confession. Sort of a cleaning out of the last year...to start the New Year off in a different mode.

:deepbreath:

(They say confession is good for the soul. This is hard).

I confess that I have been selfish this year. I've not always been kind or generous with the people around me. I've been rather hermit-like; not unfriendly, or ungracious, but an attitude of guardedness has been constant with me this last year. A sort of malaise towards those I could be building relationship with: new friends in a new church-setting, for example. A sort of detachment I've recognised as a protective shield has overcome me...and I am sorry for this because it not only reflects a "me-aloneness", but a lack of trust in God to protect me from the all-too-common hurts and snares that is part of relationship.

I confess that the above bad attitude has left me with a certain ascerbicness in regards to folk around me. I find myself to be frequently criticising (mostly in my own head) and complaining that folk aren't better than what they are. As I were Judge, Jury...God. I call this "venting". It's not. It's bitchiness and, again, a lack of trust in God that He has everything in control and His Plan is going forth despite my own ideas of what that should look like. Forgive me my haughtiness; my words and deeds that criticise so ably.

This has lead me to a spiritual laziness that I am constantly fighting against. Yes, I pray and I read a lot. I go to church and I play keyboard with the worship team and, most Sundays, to satisfy my need for liturgy and David's need for contemporary, we go to both worship services (with Sunday School sandwiched between). But I feel empty inside. Part of the emptiness comes from knowing what is True about God and about Worship and being unable to articulate that in such a way that I have the guts to pursue it. Not only have I discovered I've been lazy, but I've been cowardly as well. I am sorry for all of this as well.

I confess that I am not living as Christlike as I could; of course, I realise we all fit that description; but I feel particularly bad about this. It's painful for me to be in this place. It hurts my heart even as my head rationalises the reality of, as Michael Card once sang, "belong[ing] to Eternity...stranded in Time. Yes. Stranded in Time. I confess I feel stranded in Time as if God has somehow left me behind, forgotten and struggling even as I rationally know that just isn't true. I am sorry.

I've also been impatient with being a 50-something Newlywed. Like I already know how to do this...so what is there to learn? HAH!!! Plenty! The last laugh is definitely on me in this area...and I am so sorry for this as well. David deserves better. And so do I.

Looking back from this New Year's Day, and searching, like Diogenes for an Honest Man, my most fickle and shallow heart, I find these sins: Selfish, Critical, (Spiritual) Sloth, Untrust, Impatience.

So yesterday, whilst at the local antique mall, God in His graciousness and mercy towards me led me to a One Year Devotional taken from the life-writings of a certain Angelo Guiseppe Roncalli, aka, Pope John XXIII. It's a wondrous little book and, already, the words are falling like a soothing balm upon my very weary soul...and heart and mind. I find encouragement, already, in a quote from the Preface (taken from the thoughts for February 5th...what was once my Mom's birthday:

"What does the world know of that mysterious force which stirs in the depths of so many souls who seem unsatisfied in this world because they follow another light, an ideal which never fails to attract them?

"In recent times, because of a fashion that seems to me a legitimate reaction from certain traditional methods of recounting the lives of holy men (methods according to which the saints were plucked by the hair and dragged out of the society in which they lived, and even out of themselves, to be turned into demi-Gods), we have, perhaps a little too eagerly, turned to the opposite excess and concentrated too much on the study of the human element in the saint, and by so doing have to some extent failed to give consideration to the work of grace.

"What is a saint?

"Recent distortions have tended to spoil our conception of the saints; they have been tricked out and coloured with certain garish tints, which might perhaps be tolerated in a novel but are out of place in the real world and in practical life.

"To deny oneself at all times, to express within oneself and in external show all that the world would deem worthy of praise, to guard in one's own heart the flame of a most pure love for God, far surpassing the frail affections of this world, to give all and sacrifice all for the good of others, and with humility and trust, in the love of God for one's fellow men, to obey the laws laid down by Providence, and follow the way which leads chosen souls to the fulfillment of their mission...and everyone has his own mission...this is holiness, and all holiness is but this."

Hmmm...so this is a Saint: one who denies oneself, who shuns the world's definitions of worth, who guard one's heart, gives all for the good of others, humilty, trust, obedience, and follows The Way to fulfill that unique mission for which God created one. One.

Me. Personal. In the palm of a Personal God.

May this meditation of my heart be a sweet offering to You, Oh God...

Kyrie Eleison.

Happy New Year.

Comfort Zones...

Hi, All!

I want to introduce you to my friend Sam Burnham...

I've invited him to join me here. He's a Husband, a Dad, a Brother in

Christ; he serves his Community in his vocation, loves, absolutely

loves, BigTen Football...NOT!!!, and gives generously of his time in teaching

others. Including me. We've been friends, now, for about 4 years;

reading each others thoughts, praying for each other, and wandering

together in what some call "the post-evangelical wilderness".

I trust you'all will enjoy his writing as much as I do!~

All my life I have heard the phrase "personal relationship with Jesus Christ". It seems to be a ubiquitous statement no matter which evangelical denomination you are involved in. The phrase seems to speak of an individuality, a uniqueness. It speaks of involvement, of being engaged in something on a personal level.

The phrase does not appear in Scripture...at least not in those words.

But let's look closer at the theory of a personal relationship with Jesus. The Apostle Paul makes mention in Colossians of knowledge and makes a contrast between "epignosis" and "gnosis". "Gnosis is, of course, where we get the term "gnostic" and implies the idea of knowing a concept because you have read about it, studied up on it or have developed some surface-level familiarization with it. Epignosis is much more involved. It requires you to experience something, to develop a relationship or intimacy with whatever it is that you are knowing. The difference is the same as the difference in knowing the name of your state's signer of the Declaration of Independence and knowing your spouse. It's the difference in reading about the invasion of Guadalcanal and being a member of the 1st Marines that fought there. It's the difference between facts in a book and truth through experience.

Which brings me to my real point. If what we are pursuing is a personal, intimate relationship with Jesus, why all the formalities about what that looks like? There are obvious truths that define a relationship but it seems that a personal relationship is just that - personal. There are groups that embrace ceremony, liturgy and tradition. Then there are those who say that such things are impersonal, opting for less polished rites that are more familiar to them.

So we have liturgy - impersonal and hollow...to who? Sure, there are those that go through the motions for the sake of the motions - but isn't that true everywhere? Having spent the last few years learning more about the liturgical side of things, I'm afraid I have found more questions with every answer. This is not due to the fact that I am finding the liturgy to be empty tradition that people are wasting their lives with but because I am finding people who see it as an experience that brings them closer to God. Being one of the few living (former)evangelicals that has actually read the 95 Theses, I know that Luther was not trying to throw out the Liturgy. I've also read Henri Nouwen, a Catholic priest that shows a great understanding of personal relationships and the impact they can have on people. I've read Fr. James Kavanaugh, who eventually left the priesthood over differences in administration and policy but never parted from his love of the Sacraments. And there is Augustine, Br Laurence, Chesterson, respected men in protestant circles. Are we to believe that they did not have a "personal relationship with Jesus"? What about my friend and hostess, Laura? Am I to take her for a heretic?

On the other side, we have those that shun formality...or at least what they see as formality. Sure, they don't talk back to the preacher (except in some cases where it is acceptable to respond with "amen", "preach it", "bless him, Lord" - just never "and also with you") and they don't use incense or candles (except maybe candles at Christmas) and they SURE aren't going to have wine in the cups come time for communion. All this aside, there are traditions and rites. The order of service rarely changes. Everyone knows what to expect and often even where they are going to sit long before they leave their house.

The point is familiarity. Comfort. Peace. Not always a bad thing.

Think of it this way. The Church is called the Bride of Christ. Would you have a happy, stable peaceful marriage if you never knew what to expect or if you never came home to the same personality two days in a row? There is a peace in familiarity. I'm not entirely comfortable in mass (the few times I've been). And maybe if a Catholic friend were to attend church with me (no comments from the Peanut Gallery, think hypothetically) they might feel uncomfortable as well.

I'm not being relative. I'm not saying that everything goes. I want to know...not even that...I want YOU to know where you find Jesus. Where does He really speak to you? Where do you get to know Him? Where do you find His peace? When your world is going to hell, where do you turn? Psalm 139 tells us that we cannot flee from His presence, that He formed, designed, even engineered us in our mothers' wombs. We hear these verses about how we were "fearfully and wonderfully made" but I've never heard them used to support the various ways that people find Jesus. So here goes: If I go to mass, He is there. If I go to church in a bar (which, incidentally, I have) He is there. If I go to First Baptist, He is there. If I go to a Charismatic church, He is there. I cannot flee His presence and I have the freedom to pursue relationship in that presence and to allow others to do the same.

But I promise, if the preacher pulls out a snake, I'm making a new door.